Semi

Welcome to Life of Sky. Yes, that is a witty take on the famous Yann Martel novel, Life of Pi. No, I don’t think it’s that witty. I chose this title namely because, every so often, when I look in a mirror, I see staring back at me that curious Indian boy, desperate to find land, but even more so, himself.
Accepting this columnist position was not for my own benefit; it was for times like these when someone just needs to get up and say it. In this case, “it” is the social phenomenon surrounding this year’s semi-formal prom. Who would have thought that an enormous bar-mitzvah-style get together would cause such a stir?
“Stir” is an understatement; I used to be able to walk into the cafeteria, pull up a chair, bite into my sandwich, and sigh with contentment. Since tickets have been on sale, there is an unmistakable aura of tension and anxiety following every junior girl and accumulating when more than one are together. Now, when I pull up a chair and prepare myself for a sigh, I am almost always interrupted with a “Skyler is like anyone going to like ask me to sem-like-i?”
Suddenly, my sandwich does not taste as delicious and I’m dripping with sweat. I don’t know! How am I supposed to answer that kind of question? Can I phone a friend?
The worst part is when I happen to be with a large number of people and the topic arises. What was once an enjoyable evening becomes an opportunity for girls to berate themselves aloud and probe you with unceasingly aggressive eyes.
Unfortunately, this is not simply a social matter. I would just give up and hide in my room until all of this semi business is over, but then they would win. Not the girls- the masterminds behind the drug and alcohol program. They clearly sought a way to separate boys and girls with a wall of awkwardness in an attempt to reduce the number of parties and thus decrease the amount of underage drinking among students. The answer was clear: a semi-formal prom. Aside from ruining students’ social lives, the school makes money and the campus aides get to test out their new breath-a-lizing equipment. Genius.
If it isn’t stressful enough, the junior class officers refuse to tell us what the semi theme is. I feel pretty negatively about this. What if the theme is Frasier? Can I get my $55 back? I have decided that I will wear a bathing suit on the off chance that the theme is beach-related. It’s about a 50/50 chance. Not only does that save me money for a suit, but also I can turn it inside out if the theme is rash-inducing-white-net-related.
Girls need to stop worrying. If nobody asks you and you go alone, not a big a deal. No one will care. Everyone will be busy staring at the handsome kid in the bathing suit.