Profile

Welcome back to Life of Sky. As you know, in an attempt to reinstate dominance over us columnists and writers, the senior staff has created a theme for this edition’s arts section: profiles. They have been trying to take me down for months now, adding stupid lines to my articles like “snooch to the nooch.” You would think putting boundaries on my article would get me down- but no. It gives me a chance to do something completely bizarre and socially unacceptable.
Obviously when you think of the word “profile,” you think of facebook. Everyone uses facebook- that’s an established fact. But an unadressed fact is that every user (including myself) will occasionally pull back from their computer and think “how the hell did I get to this person’s profile and why am I looking at thier pictures…” Then you get up and look at yourself in the bathroom mirror and wonder how you got to this point in your life where you’ve lost all sense of sociability. You turn on the shower so your parents don’t hear you cry.
I decided to do this. I found a random freshman on facebook to write about. JON GRAY (all CAPS to catch his attention). Jon Gray is a Jewish freshman who is single and interested in women. His favorite activities include sports, sleep, and hangin’ out with friends. As he may appear as an average NSHS freshman, there is a whole other side to Gray- a side he chose to leave out of his list of activities. Judging by his pictures, Gray also enjoys jumping into lakes, giving the middle finger, and putting human hats on dogs.
His interests include avoda (whatever the hell that is), music, and girls. It is important for Gray to reassert his sexuality by adding “girls” to his interests, considering his profile picture is a diagram of the male phallus (something I too may have found funny as a freshman). He believes strongly in terseness. He will not try to bore you with excessive facts about his life. His favorite music: rap. Favorite book: who reads? I hope you read, Jon Gray, or you just might miss your 15 minutes of fame.
He is a noble citizen with firm beliefs. He added the “causes” application so he can stand united with those who agree with him that “THERE SHOULD BE A LACROSSE VIDEO GAME!” He is also enthusiastic about the art of debate. In a picture of him at the beach with his dog and what appears to be a little brother, Gray disputes with a sophomore over whose mother is more promiscuous.
The boy craves human contact. His “about me” is only his x-box live and oovoo account names with one simple demand: add me. He feels something missing- some sort of lack in his life- and he wants you to fill that spot. If you have x-box live or oovoo (again, whatever the hell that is), lend out a friendly hand to a boy in need of affection. If you see him in the hallway, slap him on the shoulder and remind him he’s a good kid. Ask him about girls or sports or the male reproductive system. On that note, I would like to say Jon Gray- if there was a way to hug you with my words I would. I am on your side. God bless America.