Goodye Lion's Roar (uncut)

Well this is it; this is my last article. We’ve had some good times, haven’t we? Like that time I called out the librarians. What about that time I wrote from the airport in Michigan? Oh God those were good times. It’s not over yet- I still have 500 words. I’ll leave south with some advice.

If you read satire literally, then you have a problem. That goes out to the whole athletic department- if you think I endorse drunk driving, look up the word satire and read a couple sample essays. If you still have any questions we can schedule a meeting and I’ll bring my sock puppets.

If you are a track kid, be careful when you say “I’m a track kid” because if you don’t annunciate, it could sound like “I’m attractive” and then you just seem like an arrogant douche- not good. Or… just don’t tell anyone you’re a track kid.

If you’re a senior sitting in the commons, notice that campus aides will sometimes hang out in the room next door with the door open. Yes, they are listening in. No, that is not what they thought they would be when they grew up. Mess with them a little: “Hey listen up- if you plan on going to the ecstasy rave in room 2306 during j-block, it’s BYOE.”

That crazy mural with all those weird monsters bugging out near the cafeteria and across from Dr. Agress’s office was put up to catch kids who get high during school. If a kid’s running down that hallway, you know he’s stoned and made eye contact with one too many of those things. It’s seriously worth taking another route.

A word of advice to the custodians: If someone spills rotten milk in a central stairway, don’t just mix it with cinnamon toothpaste and call it a day… it’s still going to smell like shit. And if you’re that kid who “spilled rotten milk,” don’t lie. You clearly threw up and soiled yourself while running up and down the entire staircase. This is exactly why we shouldn’t give sophomores free blocks.

Have you heard of “safe rides?” It’s a free taxi system that gives minors an alternative to driving drunk or getting in the car with someone else who is drunk. I might just be the first to call: “Hey, yeah, I am hammered right now at the airport with a lot of luggage and I’m scared. Help me.”

A word of advice for the new principal: don’t give any kid an office in the school. That will not fare well for ANYONE.


BSU: keep fighting the good fight.

GSA: keep fighting the good fight.

Rich: keep fighting the good fight.

Anime club: keep fighting the good fight.


Cheerleading squad: stop.

Wait WHAT? I’m not done. If you like what I write look up my blog → www.lifeofskyblog.blogspot.com

I just hope you all treat the next arts columnist with the same compassion and respect you have shown me over my short-lived career. And a special shout out to Zack Mareskes- we are yet to ever talk.